Friday 20 February, 2009:
All the timetables are changing again. I’m sick of this, the lines splitting and new classes being formed – why couldn’t the DP’s have done this weeks ago? One boy comes back to my year 10 Social Studies class again today, I send him off – but ten minutes later he just comes back and sits down quietly. What can I do? There’s nothing I can do. He can’t fit into this option line anymore, and it sucks. I know he’s wagging Science, as well as his new Social (I checked his timetable) but I can’t force him to go there. The way he sits there so hopefully, I can’t even be cross with him.
The year 11 lines are being altered for next week, too. I’m crossing my fingers that I don’t lose Dimario and Alexander. But maybe I shouldn’t want to keep them this much – because then, if I don’t, it’s just one more thing to make me sad.
And I don’t want to be sad. Because at the end of the day, there’s nothing much I can offer – but I do try. And then, I begin to feel like I see them so lovingly, or tenderly… or something like that. And did anything matter in the tiniest bit? I don’t know.
All of this is like a wave lifting me, fizzing around me, or ‘a bee passing through my blood’. Because is it going to matter if they joked with me, or if I understood them, or if they felt cared for? I offer just a small moment.
There’s a love walking on two silken feet
happy with its estrangement in the streets,
a love small and poor made wet by a passing rain
that it overflows onto passersby.
I think I should give up the attempt to control things. What I need to do, is just… expand the target. Stop looking for that one pinpoint location, the tiny island of safety, but widen up the possibilities, allow myself to read these signs and these stars.