Two-sided

‘There is a poor love, and two-sided
it diminishes the number of those in despair’
(Mahmoud Darwish)

 

Sunday 4 October, 2009:

As usual, I feel like I’m struggling with the central problem of the vacation: how to behave in what feels like a whole other world. Almost everything I do feels like it’s striking a false note.

And I find myself often just literally looking in the mirror. I don’t know what I look like, when I’m ‘somewhere else’. Stupid self-consciousness, but I guess it makes a kind of sense, all the same. My face is still, and seems false. Who knows me? There aren’t any gazes that reflect mine – and I feel like I’m hidden, when I’m away from those kind gazes.

I have to keep moving, even if it feels like sometimes I’m all on my own. I’m sure I’m not alone. I need to just keep heading towards those places and circumstances; towards the people who I can look at and who can look back at me.

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