Doubling

Saturday 31 October, 2009:

I check my bank account and I’ve got no money till payday – actually I’m 80 dollars overdrawn, due to bank charges and automatic payments. At first I consider trying to get by till Wednesday, but it’s almost impossible (not quite – but almost), and I decide the mental waste of energy’s gonna be such a drain that I prefer to swallow my pride and ask Kuli if I can borrow 50 till payday.

I’m really embarrassed, but in the end I just ask him – and he’s fine about it. I feel kind of humble thinking about Kuli, and about Tau – there would have been a time (not so long ago either) that I would have forced myself to just go without the money; do it in the hardest way possible – and that’s not always good. I know that now. I think if it wasn’t for Tau’s example, I  wouldn’t have been able even to tell Kuli. And the fact that out of everyone I know, it’s Kuli I can ask – well both those things mean a lot to me.

I’m exhausted though, by this day in which I’ve done nothing and thought nothing… just waited for ideas, and then waited for Kuli. I feel like I’ve cheated myself out of a proper Saturday – I haven’t had even 10 cents to spend. I don’t want this to happen ever again! But who’s to say it won’t?

 

Sunday 1st November:

I’ve gotta find ways of making this work – I’ve definitely got to start thinking longer term than just payday to payday.

But still, there’s some things it’s better to spend money on, because not doing so is totally counter to all my natural instincts, and it helps to recognize that from the start. Getting lunch for Tau last week, for example; that’s something I don’t even consider an expense. And having said that, I also don’t think of it in any way as an act of charity – it’s an act of autonomy and of plain old friendship. I’d be happy if Tau had money and could buy me lunch, I wouldn’t turn it down; same thing – an act of friendship, autonomy.

I think… I think ‘me and you’; ‘you and me’. That’s really what I think.

At the same time though, there must be lots of ways to save money; things that might not bug me at all which I probably haven’t even thought of yet.

 

Monday 2nd November

Very sad of heart after learning today that Argos has been excluded from school.

I think about it and ask myself over and over:  Why? Why? There’s no actual reason – except what they call ‘continual disobedience’. I really can’t fathom it that school acts as a socially caring institution, or is supposed to function as such – and there’s not the slightest care at the heart of it, not the slightest.

They could care less that Argos was ever there – it’s as if he’s never been there. They forget; I remember. I’ll never forget him as long as I live. At the time I didn’t even know it, but it was one of the very few truly decisive times of my life, when something changed inside of me. And now I feel the whole thing just ratchet up a level…  I want the stakes to be raised. I’ve been too lenient, I’ve felt almost a softening of my heart towards school in the last few weeks, but I realize I can’t trust that feeling. It’s just ‘doubling’, far as I’m concerned.

So: Argos, and what did I do – did I do anything? I don’t know. On his last day (his first and last day back from the Youth Unit), was there something more I could have done, if only I’d known? Could I have said more, made myself clearer? I thought there’d be more time. I was trying to be cautious, and maybe that was wise, but I wish I’d said… something.

So that’s my lesson, I guess. Not to be afraid of trusting who I trust, and not to be afraid to show my hand when I recognize my allies.

 

Then there’s Alexander. Dimario and Nio tell me today, they think he’s not gonna come back.

“You see, Miss,” Dimario explains, “He just doesn’t care anymore.”

“Yeah,” Nio says sorrowfully. “He’s doing his own thing now.”

“His leg got ripped, too,” Dimario tells me. “By a police dog. He was robbing a house and got chased.”

“Yeah, fuck… it’s all torn,” Nio emphasizes, and they lower their heads in sad contemplation of Alexander’s fate.

 

Dimario’s on an even keel. He watches me quite carefully at first, to see how I’m going to react to him. And I’m thinking along the same lines.

At one point, Jack says to Nio, “Shut up,” and then grins, looking first at me and then Dimario – who casts his eyes about awkwardly.

But Argos – gone. I don’t know if our paths will ever meet again.

 

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