Saturday 17 April, 2010:
I think that you don’t quite realise until afterwards. The decisive moments of one’s life – at the time, you’re not exactly playing to win. You’re aware you could lose, and courage comes into your heart from who knows where. You know the choice isn’t even a choice, and you just have to say you will. Whatever ‘it’ is, you will do it, because it finds you on every level; it locks into your heart – and you know you’ll carry it gladly.
Wednesday 1st July 2009: Sometime between 1130 and 1230 hours, I extricate Argos Latu from the library, like a rescue mission behind enemy lines. I have no idea why I have to… something just clicks inside me, and I’m on the move. It’s not until weeks later that I recognise the small seismic shifts which have preceded this one; as if the ground under me has cracked, and all the little bunnies have read the signs and come along accordingly, before I even quite realise what has occurred.
Of course, at the time it appeared to be nothing much at all. Yet in that moment, I jumped the orbit, and something new was set in motion – and my whole aura changed.
Sunday 18 April:
Back to school tomorrow. For some reason I feel quite calm about it now.
Nothing is easier than it was before, but I can carry certain things and function over the top of them, with a kind of stoicism that I recognize immediately from Tau’s tutelage. So maybe I’m getting better at this after all.
I suddenly remember something Aperamo once said of Tau: “He doesn’t care about his life.” It was a thoughtful remark, not intended unkindly. And I knew what Aperamo meant then – that consequences hold no fear for Tau.
I want to be like that, you know. That’s about as much as I could ask for: to go back and not have fear. Is Jah gonna protect us. He say fear not, have no fear.
And even after I think I’ve been crushed way past my powers of recuperation, something springs up; I feel my resilience rising steadily. And that I learned from the unquenchable, uncrushable Nio.
Oh, it isn’t the way I want it. But you can’t be sad all the time; you can’t – as much as you might think you want to. Almost as if being sad would prove that you won’t forget.
I never, never will forget any of it. I promise I’m going to remember. But I have to keep it all in my heart for now, and face what I’m facing for today; for tomorrow.