Saturday 1 March, 2014:
I’m calmer than I imagined, after last night. When Lorna tells me about Tau ‘going berserk’, as she puts it, I feel scared for him. But at the same time, it’s what I expected – and when I realize that, I’m ok. I guess I have to be.
And there’s still no point in me yanking on that particular line, and getting myself all spooked. Tau’s got to deal with things his own way. So I just have to let it go, as much as I can. Because there are energies in heaven and earth that are way more powerful than mine, and I have to trust that Tau gets some of that help.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t think about it. Just that I can’t let it be a destructive thought, because I want to stay as steady as I can. It isn’t going to help me or anyone else if I’m jumping around like a fish on a hook.
Sunday 2 March:
I don’t really mind doing the cleaning. I just put some music on, and take my time. All the while I’m thinking about… stuff. Stuff about stuff.
I think about Sheree, and I wonder how she’s doing. I half want to text her and ask. But it’s too soon, you know
Then I think about that time she switched up my furniture. I wonder if I was ‘cold’ that day – or maybe just straight cold. I longed to be warm and I wasn’t sure how. But all things considered, it was a tough situation; it wasn’t just that one day. So I think to myself, well, I wasn’t just cold – I tried real hard. It makes me kind of sad now, to think how I tried and tried and tried. I don’t think many people would have even given it a try. Maybe I didn’t do so good with it. But it’s not like there was an ‘example’ I could use.
When I ask myself: Am I cold? – I also remember how it was with Kepaoa. And then I know for sure, I’m not cold. I tried hard, with a lot of things.
And I’m still trying, guess so.
Later I have some time free, so I go do some more decluttering, sorting out a couple of boxes in the wardrobe. One of them contains photos, these spin me into a bit of a crisis. When I look at these photos, most of which date back at least ten years, I wonder at how I looked so solemn all the time, if not actually unhappy. And there’s not even one photo in which I don’t see a kind of panic in my eyes, like a wild creature that’s been tethered. My expression trying to approximate the regular, but you can see that my eyes are just hovering.
When I see myself that way, I feel kind of aghast. I chuck a lot of those photos out today. And I’m glad.
I didn’t know then I was meant to be strong and wild. I didn’t know that I’d have to go way down in the valley with the troops; that it would call to me until I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I didn’t know I had any skills. Ha, that reminds me of Sheree. She would use that word, ‘skills’. She used to say to me, “You’ve got so many skills.”
No, Sheree. You’ve got survivalist skills. To be honest, I think we both do.
And I mean, I’ve thought about this enough times that I also realize there must be a reason for how it was, and how it is now. A time a place.
Tuesday 4 March:
The year 10’s are so sweet today.
Miria says, “Miss, do you got a ruler?”
And I say, “Yup, sure thing,” and find one on my desk and give it to her.
“Do you ‘have’ a ruler…” quotes Lauralee, looking from Miria to me and back again.
“Huh?” I say, because of her tone, more than anything else.
She laughs, saying, “That’s what teachers always say – ‘Don’t say ‘got’, it’s do you have a ruler?’”
“Oh…” I say, getting it. “Do they?”
“Yes,” she tells me.
“Do they, really?” I ask again, with great interest. “It must be those English teachers.”
“No – it’s all of them. Teachers always do,” Lauralee explains, and then thinks about it and adds, “Ohh – not you though, Miss.”
“Oh god, no way,” I confirm, aghast at the thought, and giving a little ‘pfffft’ towards those absent teachers.
Wednesday 5 March:
Still got stuff on my mind.
The front door, for one thing. I better email the property manager tomorrow, because it jammed shut this morning, and when I got home I couldn’t unlock it. Lucky I had the key to the French doors, and got in that way.
At first I think the door sticking is something to do with the break in, a few weeks ago. But after a while, I realize it’s more likely to be related to the time Tau kicked it in, to get to Shae (two years ago… and oh, how much has happened since then.)
And this morning’s ‘Staff professional development’ for another. It’s actually better than usual – one of the Youth Court Judges comes in to talk about young offenders. But it clutches at my heart too much. Everything he says is true, in a way. But listening to him talk about that small percentage of hard core repeat offenders and their characteristics; well it beings to mind the sorrows of people I know and love, and my heart squeezes and contracts with a kind of grief – for myself as much as anyone else.
I warm to the Judge. He strides two ‘worlds’ – which of course, aren’t separate worlds at all, though many people believe they are. And he shows compassion, much more so than the assembled teachers, who are horrified in that patronizing, ‘caring’ and well-to-do kind of way. Some offer up comments about ‘crap parents’ and ‘neglect’, and ask him why social services don’t remove more children from their families.
I say something, at one point. But I feel all choked up and try to keep myself in check.
Thursday 6 March:
Overall, school and me… it’s a funny kind of thing, trying to stay positive. I’m doing ok with it, but every now and then I’m driving there in the morning, and I remember how it was, just a year ago. How oftentimes I’d eat my breakfast while Kepaoa slumbered on the couch, arms flung back and legs kicked out. Sometimes I’d just give him a little pat on the shoulder on my way out, and he’d wake up for a moment and yawn and grin. And when I got to school, Slade would come straight in and we’d just sit down for a while before the bell rang, talking about any old shit.
I miss those days, hard. And yet I’m trying very hard, too. I’m not even letting myself think, ‘For why? For what?’ There’s got to be a reason, and that’s what I tell myself. For all of this – there’s got to be a reason.
And you never quite know when, or why something’s going to be important. You just have to hope and believe it might be. It’s enough to go on with. I think about that word, dharma. Guess maybe it’s my dharma to do certain things, and perform certain tasks – or even duties – faithfully, and that’s good enough for me. I don’t regret a single one of those things, I just wish I could do them better, especially for my Tau. But maybe I’ve done something. And maybe I’ll do something. All I know is I can’t be sad, and I can’t give up.